Box under the bed, let it rest.

Still find myself

on the edge, flipping through memories

Pinpoint the moment where

everything went wrong. It was under for

a reason, a dozen or two,

paper feels soft like hands reaching out

and words that crumble in your eyes. Put you

in this box to forget, can't fully, yet.

Don't open it up, put it under.

Were you right in your anger? Was

I? You'd know,

have an answer ready, scream at my name

till I was nothing anymore. Put you

and hid you to realise

that I don't need you, I wouldn't be who I

am without you. Gave a part of you and broke it

give me your fragments, I'll hold on,

you'll never be back.

You knew you wouldn't, we all knew back then

a silent line is moving on - let me move on too.

Say your thanks, close curtains and eyes.

I remember my worst memories

First. Vomit and perversion, sublime and aggression.

Feels like I return to you more than you

would remember me.

I heard the way you cried,

I'm carrying more then I should after

you put it all on me,

I'm losing space in the attic,

let them burn into ashes and become

Apart of me.

I'll say prayers. Still hope you're alive,

if you weren't then I'd never know.

Family name,

hatred for a bloodline

that I can't keep holding on to.

I feel the alcohol

on my tongue

Push it down, compartmentalize.

I wanna be a better man, bled out

in silence, didn't understand why. I can't be that type of man,

I can't be that type of person.

Let me be a better lover,

Don't let me be who I am.

the box is full, empty, half-assed and half-dead

it would be under the bed,

out of sight. Should I close it again?

Self-reflection is poison,

apathy should be a cure, I feel more angry

and unsure

I've got no reason to do what

I keep doing

Keep looking back, try to hide.

Just another liar, letting you down

until we're both at the bottom, self-destruction

is a privilege I can't afford

I wish I was better for you

I want to change for you

let me know that I am more then myself

tell me

that I am not pure evil, dear, hold me.

This is nothing either of us can shake out

of me

I get angry for you

I can't help but feel moved towards you

I feel so much love I can't control,

let me be loved too,

let me feel the hands that outstretch towards me

don't let me believe this loneliness is

forever, don't let me

go

Closed the box, shoved under the bed.

Be quiet, stilled.

I'm going to do it all,

and let you down, again.

I don't think about the way I

was, just the way you

were. I think about handprints

and fingers on malleable children

you promised the same for me

and took it away before I learned how to

say, you knew, maybe not.

You

knew nothing, let my name rest

put me down and hold yourself in a hug

I wish I knew what to do,

I wish I knew what to say to you, I wish

I knew.

Too young to decide if you should

live or kill the part of you I knew. I hate

the word death - you disappeared,

gone, out of the door before 23.

You never watched me grow up, never taught

me how to drive,

didn't watch me become a man.

I learned how to throw up your

stomach

full of painkillers and SSRI's

never learned how to cry until I was 18,

learned how to give up

forced myself to learn otherwise.

I think, / you were / are?

every thing I failed to do,

allowed me to be surrounded by it

I watched them die to say I live now,

never thought about if I deserved it

whatever grave you had

you would have put it next to mine.

co-opting my struggles, tacking on your tick

to tell me that it never gets better,

I passed notes on how best to hurt myself

like passing around cigarettes and bottles

couldn't take up space

couldn't raise my voice,

you would have shouted over me,

strangled it out of me

Wish I knew if you lived or died,

so I could have let myself run and forget

death still hangs around,

distant cousin. I don't blame you, I do

I need to ask you

sitting by your empty spot, five years after;

if it would be alright to hate

you

for giving me everything you

hated.