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dedicated to the name blurred from memory

Cigarettes on the window sill,

momma never knew, smile in schadenfreude

thinking about the next hit or high

grinning ear to ear with tricks

slipping from sleeves, the waterfall beneath cloth

the same how it spills from your eyes

crying from frustration, boredom, realising how far away

the next shot was

you thought you'd die as you cried

on the bed of your childhood home

posters on the wall, pc in the corner, grandmothers rug

every history combined into a throwaway

tell the same jokes when the day never seemed right,

you never changed jokes, never heard

of a good week, year, life,

nodding off in every class, unable to reach appointments

bad faith arguments every morning in hallways

your family loved you,

it seemed hard to believe

judging stares and silent whispers over dinner tables

cousins always were better, never met them once

they thought they were helping when you had

your head in your hands, shaking

in anger, knowing they were all wrong

this world wasn't made for you, i'm sure of it

if i could remember your name, your face,

the way you laughed and not the sound

of glass breaking and weeping shattering

if i could remember you,

if i could remember

if i just could

a memory of you

that wasn't pain



What gave you the right to break habit,

who gave you the right to live?

You speak about me

but can't remember my name.

You don't mourn me, you keep this grief

as a badge of honour,

you avoided my fate - don't add it to your resume,

when you ran away, I knew what type of man you'd be,

a coward, a liar, unable to confront your mistakes

you think you'd be calm and collected

but you break down at confrontation.

You cost me my life, don't forget that,

I know what I did but what did you do?

What have you done to deserve

living past me?

Trying to die now won't own up to it,

this isn't something we can be even on,

you let me down,

lead me into a grave and held the shovel

you can't bury yourself face down and walk to hell

as I fell backwards and fell asleep

in the ever dwindling light of my mothers lamp

hung above my head, the story of the bazaar

ringing in my ears, my own day of judgement to bear

the light of Israfel. If I didn't turn from my faith

I'm sure I would have lived a day longer,

if my father let me into a good religious school

with the gates so high that i'd be unable

to jump over,

i'd run so far and never look back,

away from this masjid and towards my new future

you took that away from me,

I took that away from myself

every enticing drug ruled over the aspects of life

that should have mattered the most. It's too late now,

you don't know what happened after you ran out the door.

My momma found my body, my sister checked my pulse

and tried to resuscitate, screaming and crying

while days before having hated me for letting

the family name down and getting lost

in the haze of another angels hands that turns to dust.

You never saw my family again

but you ruined it forever,

the hands you have end up transmitting death

to the slowest crawl that springs suddenly,

encasing the happiness into a cage and pulling it under

you have a gift and it destroyed all that I loved,

I'd grab you again from hell - whichever nineteen angels

lets me go - would I know what to say

beyond the question

what have you done to deserve breaking this habit,

what have you done to deserve living?



I'd never say that

I know your grief, this isn't pity

or excuse - I want you

to remember me

Don't let me be that memory,

my mother knew me, my father

knew me,

I had a brother, a sister, you knew me.

You saw me in my unflattering moments,

but you still keep me in your thoughts.

I know I didn't have the happiest of lives

but I'd hate you forever

if you let my body drag you down

this mourning has to come to an end,

open your eyes and see the smile

I'm trying to keep going. It hurt,

it all hurt, and while I want

the same hurt to be inflicted

on my worst enemies, the whole world,

I have to be the bigger man.

You're growing up, I'm just getting old

and not moving at all

you focus on death a lot,

focus on the life you have and stay away

from my claim to fame. If you remember

my eyes, surely, you

remember the way I laughed

after throwing pens across rooms

and kept the smell of smoke heavy

on all my clothes. You remember the night

but you remember the day

I told you about my ideas for life

I would have changed the whole world,

but if I can change your life

then something,

anything,

would have been worth the suffering.

I know I didn't have to die, what happened

would have destroyed me if it didn't choke me,

I took my own life, there, we share the blame

or burden, everything is weightless

and the price of life is forever. If I knew how to tell you,

I'd scream it until you heard me. I know we're

similar, in a way, I didn't ever die,

but I hate this blindness covering our eyes

help me lift your hands

I need to see this life, to see the life

I needed to see when I thought there was none for me.